I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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