insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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