pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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