Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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