just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
