I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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