I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
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You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
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this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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