there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
