just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
