This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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