Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
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