I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
