I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
