i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
