I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
