Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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