So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
