Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
