What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
