he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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