I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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