his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
