We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
NoShamevember. You game?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
