i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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