i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
