I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
