At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
