I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
