On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
