The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
