Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
