also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
