I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
