It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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