Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
