Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
