Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
