Pants 0. Shit 1.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
