All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
