That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
