I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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