Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
