I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
