Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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