she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
