We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
