Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
