there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
