what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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