quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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