yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
