he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
