Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
