Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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