I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Lo siento on account of my penis...
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
