I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
