so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
