If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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