I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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